Snootchie Bootchies!
by soapfiction
Summary: Complete! Everyone's two favorite stoners, Jay and Silent Bob, end up in Nerima after messing with some very deep dope. Short threepart series to be completed soon. Rated M for language and drug humor.
1. Chapter 1

Get ready for everyone's two favorite stoners as they enter the most fucked-up place on earth. It's Jay and Silent Bob in Nerima!

Note: this is a short multi-chapter piece, and will be about three chapters long. It proved too long to be a one-shot.

(Warning: Pervasive Language and Drug Humor! You have been warned!)

**Snootchie Bootchies!**

Red Bank, New Jersey. Not your average USA town. But nothing special, either. The people here are the kind you'd rather not associate with. Sure, many of them are nice people, but the place is full of weird bastards who just do the stupidest of things.

But hey, let's focus on the story at hand, shall we?

Two men who live here have lived here their entire lives. Not long ago, they struck it rich, and lived in Hollywood for a while. But, as usual, they (or rather, one of them) squandered what money they made, and destroyed any attempts of making more from their characters being used in the popular comic _Bluntman and Chronic_. Yes, the two Quick Stop stoners themselves, Jay and Silent Bob.

The comic had been really popular after the movie, and the ensuing TV series had been even better. But, eventually, the two felt they should have gotten to write out their own adventures. And that's what sunk them. Well, that and the fact that Jay had been busted for trying to have a large shipment of animal tranquilizer dealt to him within the Los Angeles City limits. The resulting standoff with the police had claimed the life of a badly pissed Banky Edwards, but Jay and Silent Bob only got a small amount of time. But that's all in the past. The two are currently back where they started.

Jay snorted as he stood outside the Quick Stop. He and Silent Bob had been there all week. Either Randal had forgotten to renew the restraining order again, or he just didn't care anymore. Either way was just fine, though.

Jay was thinking of something else to do. It had been a pretty boring week. Even though they were allowed to stand outside the Quick Stop again, they were always watched when they entered the store, so it wasn't easy to steal anything. Also, dealing had become a bit harder, now that people always saw the two sucky comic book characters when they looked at the stoners.

"Hey, Lunchbox, will you put down that fuckin' cigarette, and help me think of something?"

Silent Bob continued to smoke as he looked at Jay. Jay scowled.

"Look, asshole, we're fucking broke, and we don't have much stuff left! What the fuck are we gonna do if you don't start shaping up and helping the fuck out!"

Silent Bob threw out his cig, and turned to Jay. He stretched out his hands in a questioning manner, as if asking 'Well, what do you have in mind?'

"You know, you really are dumb. We have to find a way to make some cash, or else we're not gonna get back into the business again so easily. We gotta make some money so we can get some good shit. You know, something new, something out of this fucking world! Something that'll blow these people's minds, anyone who buys the shit! **That's** the kinda boost we need to get our names back, and to trash those two stupid comic names! You know how we're gonna do that? When you hurry up and think of a fucking idea!"

Silent Bob gave Jay a clearly hurt look, and turned around.

"Oh, man, don't start that shit again. Look, I'm sorry, is that good enough for you?"

Bob didn't move.

"Look, you fat fuck, I said I was sorry! What more do you-" Jay stopped, actually trying to control his anger. "Okay, okay, you win. I'll think of an idea, you do whatever you want.

Bob turned around, seeming to say 'That's better'. He then reached into his pocket, pulled out a wad of bills, and started counting them.

"Jesus!" Jay yelled. "Where the hell did you get all that dough?" He reached for it, only to have it snatched away by Silent Bob.

"How much you got there? That must be at least sixty bucks! How the fuck did you get all of that?"

Bob made a stance like a surfer. Jay faltered.

"You sold our last edition copy of _Silver Surfer_, didn't you?"

He nodded.

"You shoulda' gotten more than that from Brodie, man. Okay, so we got some cash. Now, let's get something to eat, then go and find some guy with some good shit. We're gonna spend all out time making some of the wildest shit you've ever seen! Bong!"

Silent Bob responded with his Bluntman stance. All of a sudden, a kid on a bike raced by, only to stop by the two.

"Hey, you two- that movie about you guys starring Morris Day and Tobey Maguire- it SUCKED! HA HA HA!" He raced off.

Jay ran after him, only to be held back by Silent Bob. "You stupid little FUCK! Don't you ever talk like that about Tobey Maguire again! I'm gonna fucking kick your ass, just like I did back in those days when we had the money to fly around!" He struggled with his restrainer. "Get offa me, fat-ass!"

Jay finally calmed down. "I swear, that little shit is the first one we get once we make it big again, you hear? Good. Let's go." They both walked down the street, past the RST Video, and out of sight.

* * *

After eating a hearty meal at Moobey's™, the two stoners headed into the darker part of town, Leonardo, New Jersey. With fifty bucks, they had to buy the best shit they could of many different kinds, then start their experimenting. After that look Randal had given them on the way past RST video, Jay remembered that the prick had bought a 12-guage. As if he would ever rob that stupid video store! People could be fucking crazy in this town. 

They first tried to score some stuff from Willem. But Willem had already downed the last of his weed and pills, and was now in a state no one wanted to see. When Jay and Bob had found him, he had been giving himself solo snowballs™ (If you haven't seen _Clerks_, and/or don't know what 'snowballing' is, you need to see the movie!). The two had run from the scene in disgust, with Jay losing the Moobey burger he had eaten only minutes earlier.

They kept trying, every person they had ever dealt with. After four hours of searching, all they had was a dimebag, a few bottles of caffeine pills, a few hits of acid, and 3 ounces of ether. Not much they could do with all that.

"Oh well" Jay said, sighing in defeat as they stood in the dark alley between Quick Stop and RST. "We tried our best, Lunchbox. Looks like we won't make it this time around."

Bob nodded his head in sad agreement.

"C'mon, let's go get ripped on this stuff. Go out with a bang, maybe we'll find some desperate dyke who's had a little too much to drink."

They started to leave when they noticed someone else entering the alley. Jay turned, and saw him. He thought whom he looked like before he recognized him as some old Chinese guy who had run into them once. He shrugged it off, and began to walk away.

"Oh! Gentlemen!"

Jay stopped in his tracks, and turned around again. "Whaddya' want, old man? We don't have any money on us!"

The man walked up to them slowly, using a leg support cane. "I doubt that. I saw your friend selling one of your comics earlier today. You're bound to have something left."

Jay stepped forward. "Okay, so maybe we do have some dough! But that doesn't mean you're getting any of it, so why are you wasting your fucking time by asking?"

"Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen, I didn't come to beg. I have merely come to deal with you."

Jay scoffed, exchanged looks with Silent Bob, and sniggered at the man. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean? 'I have merely come to deal with you gentlemen', how about speaking like a normal fucking douche bag? C'mon, Tubby, let's get out of here."

"So, you don't want any new shit?"

Jay stopped again, and turned around yet again.

"There. Is that way more to your liking?"

"Whaddya' mean 'new shit'? What do you got?"

The man walked even closer to them. Bob stepped closer as well, and Jay followed, sighing.

"I happen to have some very rare and special opium with me. Stuff like you've never seen before."

Jay laughed. "Opium? That's it? And for a second, I thought it might be interesting."

"For your information, Chronic, this shit came all the way from Qinghai, China. I brought it back with me long ago. Only I had a much bigger supply then. This is all that's left of it. It's out of this world. Stuff like you've never laid eyes on. Like ten tons of elephant tranquilizer in one hit."

"Okay, so you could make some horse with it. Big deal, people get that shit all the time. What are we gonna get from that?"

"It's not just the opium. If you grind up some acid, mix it with this stuff in ether mixed with a bit of varnish and water, and harden it back into a solid the way you do with crack, you get the best damn shit ever to cross God's green earth. When you roll it up and puff it, you'll forget everything about the world around you. Imagine it, gentlemen: being in a world beyond anything you've ever dreamed, all the while feeling the effects of the best hit you've ever had. I promise you that."

The two stoners stood in silence for a few seconds. After a bit, Bob moved his hands around, asking for more. Jay stopped him.

"Knock it off! Okay, so we make the 'best shit we've ever had'. What then? We're looking for something we can make more of, and sell to others! We don't just want one fucking hit! And you said you had no more of the shit!"

"Well, I may be out of the opium, but I still have a few of those 'special' poppies growing inside my house. If you like this stuff enough, come back and buy the poppies. You can grow more of them, process the opium, and make as much as you want! But first, I have to know if you two will like it enough. Deal?"

Jay sighed. It was probably gonna be their only chance in a long time. If they could get that good, they could reestablish their names in the rep once again. It was worth a try.

"Okay, old man, deal. How much for the bag?"

"Fifty dollars for one one-pound bag."

"Fifty bucks! Why the fuck are you ripping us off?"

"That's how it is, gentlemen. I don't plan to live much longer, and I want to really **live** my last moments on this planet. Take it or leave it."

Jay scowled again, then motioned to Silent Bob. "Okay, pay him."

Bob fished out the last of their dough, and handed it to the old man, who, in turn, gave them the bag of white powder.

"It's been a pleasure doing business with you, gentlemen. I'll see you on the flip-side." He slowly left the alley.

After watching him go, Jay scoffed. "Okay, fat-ass, let's go."

* * *

It was now 5 am, and the two were finishing up in the abandoned warehouse they had made their temporary home. Jay and Bob had spent hours mixing the ingredients, and hardening the substance into a solid, which they had since ground up. It had been hard to find some varnish late at night, but they had stopped by Dante's house and snuck into his garage. Now, the stuff was finished. 

Jay looked down at the pile of brownish powder they had just ground up. Like the old man said, it contained acid, ether, and the opium, mixed in varnish and water, and hardened into crack. Now was the time to see if it worked as good as the old hack had said it would.

Jay took one of the wrappers from his pocket, stuffed some of the powder onto the paper, and rolled the crack hit. He handed it to Silent Bob, then made his own. Silent Bob pulled out his trusty Zippo™ lighter, and lit both of the joints. The two went and sat on their beanbag™ chairs, and breathed in slowly.

"This is it, Tubby." Silent Bob nodded in response.

The two inhaled the new stuff, taking in as much smoke as they could. Afterwards, they exhaled. They waited. Nothing.

"Dammit! How come nothing's happening? I knew we shouldn't have gone for this shit, it's just…whoa…"

Jay sat back in his chair, his mind leaving behind the real world. Brilliant colors, as well as images of Banky being gunned down by the police, Dante being beaten up by an angry customer, and himself fingering a high school girl when she was asleep, flashed before his eyes. He sniggered to himself.

Silent Bob had gone down the same path. The two were lost in their own worlds now, only having enough consciousness to bring the joints back to their mouths to take another puff.

Pure bliss followed…

* * *

Hours later, it was early morning. The two, now less stoned, but still pretty stoned, started to wake up. The sound of birds chirping could be heard from where the two stoners sat slumped onto a wall. Jay moved around slowly, trying to make out the noise. Funny, birds usually stayed away from this area in Jersey, Jay thought. Or they just didn't make any noise. 

The two were pretty much over their high by now, although others may not have known the difference. The after effects were making it harder for Jay to open his eyes. He slowly moved his hand towards his lap, still clutching the joint.

Suddenly, he felt the burn in his pants. He jumped up, and danced around in pain.

"Ow, shit! Shit! Get it offa me!"

He brushed off his lap, and rubbed his eyes.

"Christ, what a ride, eh, Lunchbox? Pretty nice. But what time is-"

He stopped cold when he saw his overweight friend. Something wasn't right. Silent Bob looked like Silent Bob, but he looked a lot different. He seemed **brighter**.

Jay moved his hands up to his face. They looked weird. No, they looked- they looked **drawn**!

Jay looked around the room; sure enough, everything looked like it had been painted with bright colors to look like a cartoon. Silent Bob looked the same way.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Jay yelled. He then kicked his friend lightly in the side.

"Wake up, Tubby! Something fucked up is going on! WAKE UP!"

Silent Bob shifted, and opened his eyes. Jay gasped again when he saw them.

"The eyes…their…their like that…that fucking **Japanimation**, or something!"

Silent Bob looked up at Jay with a shocked look. He then jumped to his feet, and pointed at Jay's face, open-mouthed. 'Look at you!' he seemed to say.

"What, it's happened to me, too?" Jay asked. Bob nodded.

Jay turned away, catching his breath. "Holy shit. This really was some heavy shit." He picked up the bag of the stuff they had mixed, and turned back to Silent Bob.

"You still got that pansy compact with you?"

Bob gave him an angry look, and reached into his pocket, pulling out a small mirror. The two looked at themselves, and, sure enough, had become perfect anime versions of themselves.

"Lunchbox, we've become fucking cartoons."

Bob nodded his head in agreement.

"And not those stupid badly-drawn cartoons they made of us! Japanese cartoons! Motherfucker! This is some baaaad shit, man."

Jay felt his back, rubbing the soreness. "C'mon, let's see what the rest of Jersey looks like when we're on this shit!"

And with that, they walked to the door of the warehouse. Little did they know that things would only get crazier once they stepped out into the world of anime.

* * *

Sorry for the absence of Ranma and co., but they'll show up in the next chapter. Hope you liked the first chapter. Read and review, please! 

About the whole drug mixing thing: it's bullshit. But then again, so is half the stuff that appears in Kevin Smith's movies.


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry for the short delay. I just had to make a few changes. Here's chapter number 2-

**Brodie**: You know, that really makes it sound like someone's preparing to take a piss, how about calling it the 'second chapter'?

Fine…the second chapter. Read it and review!

**Snootchie Bootchies!**

**Chapter 2**

"Where the fuck…?"

The two stoners stood at the door to a warehouse, looking out at a street full of shops, bikers, and pedestrians. The building wasn't the one they had gone to sleep in, the shops were not ones they had ever seen before, and the people all looked different. This was not Red Bank, New Jersey.

"Where the fuck are we?" He looked at Silent Bob, who just shrugged.

"You think this is something the old fart didn't tell us?" He shrugged again.

"Well, either way, let's get outta here. We need to find some food, anyway."

They walked off, eventually finding a shopping street. But, seeing as how they had used up the last of their money on the dope, they could not purchase any food. So, they continued down the street, exploring the animated world they were now a part of.

"Holy Christ in a fuck-up, this is amazing. Look at all the people going by! It's like that _Roger Rabbit_ movie, only we're fucking cartoons too!"

He stopped when he saw someone biking down the street. Someone who definitely grabbed his attention. A shapely girl with long purple hair, carrying what looked like a delivery box.

"Heh heh" he sniggered. He turned to the girl's general direction, giving his trademark pelvic thrust gesture. The girl didn't notice as she whizzed by. No matter. That just meant no sexual assault charge.

"Dude, Lunchbox, that bitch was fuckin' foxy. Let's go find some easy chicks, there's bound to be some around here."

Bob rolled his eyes, but smiled anyway, and continued on with Jay.

After several minutes, they had left the shopping street, and were now in some neighborhood. They had still not gotten any ideas on where to find food for free.

"Shit. Looks like we'll have to make some of our shit, and sell it if we're gonna get some food around here."

Bob stopped in his tracks, signaling something to Jay.

"What is it now?"

He held up the bag, which was nearly empty.

"Shit, you're right. And we don't have those poppies, or whatever. Okay, but we've still got some of our dime-bag. Oh, and did you save the rest of that animal tranquilizer we stole last week?"

Bob reached into his multi-pocketed trench coat, and pulled out a wrapped-up needle. Jay smirked.

"Sweet. Now, let's go and see if we can sell some of what's left."

On their way, however, they passed a long wall that encircled a big, old-style Japanese house. They kept going, until they heard something coming from inside the walls.

"What the fuck is that?" Jay said, turning towards the sound.

It sounded like two men were fighting hand-to-hand, with occasional grunts and insults flying both ways.

"Be prepared, boy!"

"Bring it on, Oyaji!"

Jay turned to his companion.

"Hey, let's take a look around there. Maybe we can find some buyers, or something."

They walked around to the entrance to the home, and looked inside. They saw a nice little oriental garden, complete with koi pond. They also saw a middle-aged man and a teenaged boy dressed in martial arts gi's, fighting each other around the pond.

Their attention shifted from the fight to a nearby table, upon which sat a few snack foods, including some pork buns, and a pieces of bread and fruit.

Jay tapped Bob. "Hey. Breakfast at twelve o'clock."

Bob nodded, and they walked over to the food.

Genma and Ranma were still having their daily morning 'training session'. And, as always, Genma planned a nice trick for Ranma."

"All right let's stop for the snacks Kasumi put out here."

"All right, let's-HEY!"

When Ranma let his guard down, Genma knocked him into the pond once again. Ranma retaliated by splashing his father, but Genma, now in his panda form, threw his sign that said (See ya later!), knocking Ranma out. She fell back into the pond, and Genma-panda turned towards the food…

…only to see it being eaten by two foreigners wearing trench coats. Growling in anger, the panda charged them.

Jay was the first to notice the animal thundering towards them.

"Wat da fuk?" he said through a mouthful of pork bun.

Both he and Bob moved away from the table as the panda faced them. It still eyed them angrily.

"What the fuck is a panda doing here? Don't they have laws against keeping endangered animals, or something like that?"

The panda didn't hear him, and charged after him. Jay ran like hell.

"Shit! Lunchbox, get that fuckin' tranquilizer ready, now!"

Silent Bob grabbed the side of his coat, and opened it up to reveal his personal arsenal. He grabbed the needle, then reached for his trusty grappling hook gun. He removed the hook, and placed the needle in the barrel of the gun. He raised it, and took aim at the panda as Jay led it over to Bob.

"Do it now!"

Jay dove out of the way, and Bob fired. The needle soared through the air, sinking into the hide of the panda. The animal slowed down, felt the drug run through it, and fell into a _very_ deep coma.

Jay dusted himself off. "Showed you, you two-toned motherfucker!" He then turned to his short companion. "Way to go, Lunchbox, that was some kick-ass shooting. Next time he wakes up, he's gonna feel pretty fuckin' trippy!" He laughed while Bob simply sniggered.

"Hey! What the hell's going on here?"

They turned to see a well-figured, buxom redhead running their way. Jay once again got lost in his lustful thoughts.

_Damn, the bitches here sure are a fine piece of ass…_ He was already fantasizing about her.

Ranma ran up to the two intruders, and noticed that they were easily gaijin.

"Who are you two?" she asked in bad English.

Jay turned to meet the martial artist. "Oh, we haven't introduced ourselves. I'm Jay," he said, gesturing to himself, "and this is my hetero lifemate, Silent Bob."

Bob waved with one hand, while holding his grappling hook in the other.

Ranma lowered her head, and sighed. "That's nice. And what, may I ask, are you two _doing here?_"

"Yeah, sorry about the food. We haven't had breakfast, and we had to spend the last of our dough on some other shit. Say, what's your-"

"Ranma! What's going on out here?"

Ranma turned to see Akane running out of the house, clutching the handle of a kettle.

"Oh, nothing. Just some weird Americans who stole the snacks Kasumi made for us and put Pop out with some sort of weapon." She then turned back to the stoners. "What the hell did you do to him, anyway?"

"Do to who?" Jay asked.

She pointed to the panda, which was fast asleep, occasionally foaming at the mouth.

"Oh, that fuckin' animal? Silent Bob here used the last of our animal tranquilizer to put that thing down when it attacked us. No big deal. What the hell do you have a panda for anyway?"

As if on cue, Akane poured the contents of the kettle on Ranma, who recoiled in pain.

"Hey!" the now-male teen said. "You could wait until it's not boiling, you know!"

"Geez. Sorry the water was too hot."

Ranma was about to retort, when he saw Jay's stunned face. "What are you looking at, jerk?"

"What the fuck…just happened? Weren't you some fine-ass redhead a few seconds ago?"

Ranma rolled his eyes, but regained his composure. "That's none of your damn business, pal! So, why don't you two leave before- Aahh!"

Akane pulled him by the ear, towards the house. "We're going back inside!" She turned to the two stoners. "And you two! Find someplace else to loiter!"

Jay and Silent Bob watched as the two teens disappeared headed for the house. However, it was at this time that Genma awoke, and decided to pelt the nearest thing in retaliation for what had happened earlier. So he threw a nearby pail…at Ranma.

Jay and Silent Bob could only gape at the second transformation. The teens hurried inside, leaving the two stoners alone and bewildered in the garden.

"Dude, this place is plain fucked-up."

Bob nodded in agreement.

Back inside the house, Kasumi was busy making the _real_ breakfast for the rest of the family.

"Akane, Ranma, have you two taken your baths?" Kasumi asked.

"I have," Akane said.

"Well, then, Ranma should take his."

"I'm goin', I'm goin'" she said, heading for the furo.

She entered the laundry room, removed her wet gi, and grabbed her towel before she noticed something. There was a thick scent of something strong in the air.

"Ungh!" She waved her hand in front of her face. "What the hell is that smell?"

The smell was thick, and slightly intoxicating. It made things a bit hard to see. Ranma went up to the door, and slid it open.

"What's going on in- AAHH!"

When she opened the door, white smoke poured out of the room, engulfing her. She waved her arms around, trying to see what was going on, all the while breathing in the fumes.

"All (cough) right! Who's in (cough) here? You're not supposed (cough) to cook anything (cough) in the furo, Pops! Get-"

When the smoke had cleared somewhat she gaped at what she saw.

Sitting there, in the empty bathtub, were the two gaijin punks from earlier. They were whipping up a storm of smoke from an enormous joint one of them had rolled. Jay saw Ranma, and immediately tried to make an excuse.

"Hey, I think there's a fire in here somewhere!"

Ranma crushed the portion of the door she was grasping with her hand.

* * *

"THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD'S AGAINST US, DUDE, I SWEAR TO GOD!" 

Those were Jay's words as he and Silent Bob ran at top speed through the streets while being chased by the angry red-headed aqua-transsexual. When they came to an intersection, they rounded the nearest corner, and turned into an alley, only to find a dead end.

"Shit! Okay, fat-ass, you know what to do. Get to it!"

Silent Bob nodded, and reached for his belt, grabbing his trusty grappling gun. He loaded in the hook this time, and fired at the nearest rooftop. The hook connected, locking safely in place. Bob then attached the gun to his belt, and turned to Jay. The two held each other (aww), and Bob hit the release, pulling him and Jay, up to the roof. By the time Ranma reached the alley, they were long gone.

"Huh? Dammit! Where did those two morons go? This is a freaking dead-end for crying out loud!"

About forty feet above, Jay and Bob hung from the grappling hook, looking down at their pursuer. Jay turned to his hetero lifemate. "These toys you get are fucking amazing, Lunchbox." Bob responded with a thumbs-up.

After a minute of fretting, Ranma finally gave up. She left the alley, and the two Jersey ruffians let themselves down, and continued into the street.

"Okay, now things are just getting weirder. We need to somehow find that old man, and get those poppies he was talking about. Until then, let's find some Jap junkies who'll go for stuff on our side of the pond. C'mon, this way."

They made their way into a shopping street, which, for some reason, was awfully crowded at one store.

"What the fuck's going on over here?"

Bob shrugged, and the two walked up to the store, pushing their way through the crowd.

"Outta' my way, fucko! You too, needle-dick! Yeah, you! C'mon, outta' the way! New Jersey represent coming through! What the- why are you all looking at us like that?"

The two stoners had stopped when the crowd noticed them, and backed away, surrounding the two. People in the crowd began to point, cheer, laugh, and whisper to each other.

Jay was completely confused. "What the fuck are you doin', huh? You find us interesting or something?"

"Well, well, well, look who actually stopped by: it's the only New Jerseyan to ever do time for tranquilizer dealing, and his reluctant partner."

Jay and Bob turned to the source of the voice. "Brodie?"

The store with the crowd, it turned out, was a comic store. And, standing at the door, leading the crowd, was the former temporary host of the Tonight Show™, and the current proprietor of Brodie's Secret Stash™ comic store in Red Bank, Brodie Bruce. He smirked as he looked at the scene before him.

"You made it just in time for the party, gentlemen. Welcome to the Japanese rendition of Blunt-and-Chron-fest."

* * *

Well, there you have chapter 2! I'm going to post the final chapter within a few days, so keep reading and reviewing. I really appreciate reviews! 


	3. Chapter 3

Here it is: the final piece of The Dork Knights™ adventures in Nerima, aka _Snootchie Bootchies!_ Hope you enjoy the fic.

(Sorry for the delay! Writer's block!)

**Chapter 3**

After the crowd had finally broken up, Brodie had taken the two stoners inside to the comic shop.

"So, what are you doing here, anyway? You posting shops all around the world, or something?"

"Well, after I stumbled upon a website that notified me of the sudden uproar in popularity of _Bluntman and Chronic_ here, I just had to set up my own post, seeing as how I had five thousand of your issues stashed away. You'd be surprised how many people here will by the English-language ones, too, it's really amazing."

Jay stopped him. "Whoa, hold it right there- what do you mean, 'popularity'? Our comic isn't big over here, is it?"

Brodie turned around, towards the other side of the shop. "Gentlemen, please direct your attention to the west-side racks."

They looked at the comic racks where a large section of western comics resided. And, sure enough, posted on the walls above the shelves, was a big poster featuring an anime version of Bluntman and Chronic. Jay and Bob both stared, open-mouthed, at the merchandise with their faces on it.

"Motherfucker. When the hell did this happen?" Jay said, picking up a comic featuring him and his hetero lifemate in their superhero incarnations.

Brodie moved behind the counter. "Basic movement of popularity, gentlemen. When something becomes popular back home, it will undoubtedly reach its own cult following in several countries overseas. This happens to be your turn of good luck."

"Hold on a second, we lost everything back home. Our comics went down the fuckin' toilet months ago. They practically pulled 'em from the shelves, why would they still be popular over here?"

"Well, think about it, guys. You know for a fact that some movies maintain their popularity in other places years after their original hype is long past in their native country. Need I remind you of that small scene in the second _American Pie_ movie, where the use of one-liners and attitude from a ten-year-old sci-fi movie got a complete dork laid by one of the hottest chicks on the face of the earth, just because she happened to be foreign? I'm sure you all remember that?"

Jay smiled, lost in his own thoughts of the scene. "Yeah, that's true…damn, that bitch was smokin'…"

Bob noticed his friend trailing of, and snapped his fingers in the face of his partner. Jay came back, surprisingly.

"Oh, okay. So, we gotta' find out who's making these comics of us. Don't we still co-own the whole damn thing?"

"You guys probably own all of it, now that our good friend Banky's no longer with us. Maybe you should head down to the studio where they're drawing the things, and give 'em a little talk. You know, the same old way: you approach the guys just like you would the fucking president, only with your finger stuck deep in your ass." Brodie took his right index finger, and did as he said. "And, if things don't go your way, you go out with the traditional stink-palm handshake. Heck, even if you guys-"

Jay held up his hand, stopping Brodie. "Yeah, yeah, we've all been there. Well, Brodieman, keep up the good fuckin' work. Silent Bob and I are heading off to get our fucking dues." He made his traditional devil-sign. "Snoogans."

"Right back at you, men. Happy hunting, as usual."

"Fuckin' A!"

And, with that, the two walked out the door. Brodie then turned his attention to a man dressed entirely in Hawaiian attire. This man also happened to be messing up the neatly-placed and ordered row of comics in the store, and had been giving several of the you customers trouble. Brodie approached him as the man played 'keep-away' with a teen and his manga.

"Hey, give that back! It's the last one!"

"Da Kahuna saw it first! No way you gettin' it!"

Brodie approached the two. "You're absolutely right, sir. I always go by the rule 'first come, first serve'. I'm afraid you'll have to try again, later kid. Please leave the premises unless you mean to buy something else."

Both he and the Hawaiian man looked at the kid arrogantly. The kid got a sour look on his face, and left for the door, but not before Brodie slapped a note in his hand, which told the kid to return in an hour. After the teen left, Brodie turned to the man, reaching into his jacket.

"Say, sir. Would you like a chocolate-covered pretzel?"

* * *

"Ranma, there you are! Did you get them?" 

This was Akane's question as she ran outside to meet Ranma, who was walking back into the garden.

"No, I didn't! They disappeared after running into a dead end. I just don't understand!"

"Clam down, it's okay. It's not like they damaged our house or anything."

"But they ate our food! And they used our bathroom to do drugs! I gotta get 'em back for all that!"

"No you don't! C'mon, let's just go and get something to eat, you'll feel better."

"Well, I guess. Let's turn Pop over on his back first, before he suffocates."

"All right."

* * *

After a brief look in a phonebook, which they couldn't understand until Silent Bob spotted the English translation, they found themselves at the front door of the cartoon studio, where the manga version of _Bluntman and Chronic_ was being drawn. 

"Dude, talk about déjà vu. This better go a lot better than what happened with Holden."

Silent Bob nodded his head in agreement, throwing his cigarette to the ground. The to walked up to the door, and entered.

(Five minutes later…)

Screams could be heard coming from the building, as well as several shelves crashing to the ground. Seconds later, a yell of "Gang way, ya cock-smokin' cartoonist!" resonated from the building, and the two stoners burst out of the door, running like "it" had been legalized. They tore down the street, with several people from the studio yelling at them from the entrance.

They finally came to a stop in an alley.

"That'll show those pig-fuckers to deny our fucking existence. We **are** Jay and Silent Bob, and nothing they write or draw can fucking change that! Heh, they won't be getting any fucking cartoons published anytime soon…"

Silent Bob slightly rolled his eyes, but nodded all the same. When the editor at the studio had told them to leave, he had been pretty mad, and was about to let him know who they were, when Jay started knocking desks and shelves over. After that, they had no choice but to run.

Bob was thinking about what they would do next, when he noticed something he would rather not have noticed: the kids from earlier, at the house with the garden, were entering a shop right outside the alley. If they didn't leave, they might be spotted. He tapped Jay on the back.

Jay turned around. "What is it, Tubby?"

Bob gestured towards the end of the alley.

"What? There's no one over there!"

Bob started to make numerous, sometimes unreadable gestures, referring to the two kids they had met earlier. Jay was completely clueless.

"What the fuck are you trying to say now? (More gesturing) Dammit, I never understand this shit you give me, so why don't you just say it? (Angry gesturing) Maybe if you tell that dumb 'Amy' story, you might talk a bit more! (Pissed off, desperate gesturing) What the fuck are you trying to say?"

Bob could take it no longer. He reached out, grabbed Jay by his trench coat, and pulled him only inches from his face.

"THOSE KIDS, FROM BACK AT THAT HOUSE, PLUS THE ONE WHO CHASED US AWAY, ARE NOW _RIGHT OUTSIDE THE ALLEY_, YOU STUPID SHROOM-FUCKER!"

He released Jay vehemently. Jay perked up.

"Okay, fine. Let's just leave before any other shit happens."

When they moved into the street, Bob went in the direction away from the shop. Jay, however, not wanting to head back towards the studio, walked right in front of the shop. Bob noticed this, but, being himself, did not say anything. Jay soon noticed that his partner wasn't following him, and turned around to face him.

"Where the fuck are you going? That's back towards the stupid cartoon studio, let's head the other way?"

Bob held out his hands, trying to signal Jay to be quiet.

"For shit's sake, not this again! Didn't we just over of this shit?"

He didn't get a response from Bob, who was looking in horror at the shop behind Jay. Jay turned around to see three teens looking at him angrily. One was that guy/chick from earlier, who had chased them into the alley. Another was that girl who had been with him at the house. The third was one he didn't recognize, although she had long, brown hair, and was wearing a purple seller's tunic with black tights.

Jay broke a weak smile. "Heh heh." He then broke into a run, following Silent Bob.

"Get back here!" Ranma yelled as he and two of his fiancés took off after the two stoners.

* * *

The chase slowed down considerably a few minutes later. Ranma, who stayed several paces ahead of Akane and Ukyo, had been stupid enough for the run-into-the-dead-end-and-escape-with-the-grappling-hook trick again, and lost them once again. Jay and Bob had crossed over the roof of the building they were on, and got off on the other side. Jay gloated about the escape to his partner, talking about how stupid the Japanese were…only to run into Ranma and co., who had circumnavigated the building. The chase resumed. 

By this time, Jay was getting exhausted. For someone who smoked and did acid all the time, he was in pretty good shape, but he still had his limits. And they were starting to catch up with him. Silent Bob, judging by his appearance, was no better off.

The two rounded a couple of corners, briefly losing the teens. Bob spotted a place to hide out, tapped his partner on the shoulder, and pointed. Jay looked towards the café Bob was gesturing to.

"Okay, fine! Just hurry up, I can't run much longer!"

They ran behind the Chinese café, into the backyard, and opened a ground window that led into the basement. Jay slipped through easily. Silent Bob, however, given his figure, had trouble.

"Oh, c'mon, not this again!" Jay grabbed his partner by the hands, trying to pull him through.

"C'mon, you fat fuck! Stop making like Whinne the Pooh, and get in here!"

Bob finally managed to squeeze through, just before Ranma and the others rounded the corner.

* * *

Ranma looked around the street, past the Cat Café. They were nowhere to be found. 

"Dammit!" he yelled, slamming his fist on the ground. "Why do they keep disappearing like that?"

"Why do you keep chasing them?" Akane asked. "So they ate our food- big deal! It's not like they're ruining our house anymore! You're just wasting your time by chasing them!"

"Is that all they did? They ate food that belonged to you? It's not like you haven't done that before, Ran-chan" Ukyo said.

"It's not just that! They barged in like idiots, and they knocked out Pops with animal tranquilizer! He's still foaming at the mouth at home, like he's going on some kind of trip! And then, they had the nerve to break into our bathroom, and fill it with dope smoke! And that smell is still there, it's gonna take forever to get rid of it! If we don't stop 'em, they're just gonna keep causing trouble!"

Akane sighed. "Fine. You do what you want, but I'm leaving!" She turned to head back home, when something zoomed under her, flipping up her skirt.

"Aaaahhh!"

"Akane-chan! How are you!" the small figure said as it zoomed past Ranma, carrying it's large sack along the way.

Ranma leapt after the old freak, stomping him to the ground.

"I think you've had enough panty raids, old man!"

By the time Ranma got off of him, the swarm of schoolgirls armed with janitorial tools caught up with Happosai, gave him the usual beating, and walked off with their stolen goods. Happosai got up, his aura starting to build.

"Ranma…I have endured your arrogance long enough! Well, not anymore!"

On cue, the battle aura seemingly made him grow about thirty feet. Ranma, of course, backed away in the slight shock he always got from an incredible aura.

"Okay, old freak…you wanna play hardball…"

* * *

Back in the café basement, Jay and Bob got off the floor. 

"Shit. You know, it would be a lot easier if you stopped eating all that Hostess shit you keep spending our dope money on- whoa!"

Jay turned away from Bob as he spoke, getting a look around the room. The basement was full of some very exotic and rare plants, some of which were not legal back home…and, off in one corner, Jay saw something that sent him to his knees.

"Opium poppies" he said, crawling up to the flower bed that was dug into what looked like an old bathtub. "These are the ones, Lunchbox. The same fucking poppies that old man told us about. We get a few of these, and we're set for fucking life!"

Bob nodded in agreement, cutting one of the flowers off the bed with his pocket knife.

Suddenly, the two heard noises of what sounded like a fight. "What the fuck is that?"

They both looked out the window. What they saw shocked them beyond words.

"Holy shit…this place really is fucked up." They backed away from the window.

"What the fuck do we do about this?"

Bob reached into his coat, and pulled out several plastic bags, as well as a rusted can. Weed, acid, ether, and varnish: all the ingredients they needed to make the deep dope that had brought them to this world in the first place.

"Shit, Tubby, that just might work. Who knows what we can do with a double dose of this stuff! Okay, let's do this!"

In a matter of minutes (hey, if a guy can turn a vibrator into a CD player using chicken wire, he can work miracles with opium extraction in a matter of minutes!), Silent Bob had extracted plenty of opium from the poppies, to which they added their ingredients, and used a nearby oven to harden the substance. They soon had their "Anime Albatross", as they called it.

Jay turned towards the door that led up the stairs. "Okay, fat-ass. Let's go."

And, with that, the two ascended the stairs.

* * *

Ranma was having his usual fight against the old pervert, never having much luck, now that there was nothing to distract the old man. 

After dodging another blow, Ranma was immediately knocked over by something that collided with the back of his head. He whipped around.

"Who the hell threw-"

He was cut off as another coconut flew at him. This one, however, exploded on contact. Ranma got up in pain, and looked up to see the Furinkan principal…who looked a bit weird. In fact, he looked pretty awful, like he was going to throw up every three seconds. This didn't stop him from keeping his annoying grin on his face, though.

"Ranma Saotome! I's yo' fault that I'm feelin' like a train wreck right now! You done somethin', and now, you's gonna pay like the delinquent you is!"

"What the HELL are you talking about?" was Ranma's only response as he dodged another coconut attack. The principal stopped his game to throw up on the sidewalk. Ranma, Akane and Ukyo all looked away in disgust. "Dude! That's sick!"

Ranma had forgotten about Happosai, who sent him flying towards the principal with a powerful blow from his pipe. The principal, with one hand over his mouth and the other holding barber's shears, zoomed towards Ranma again.

"Gyaaah!" Ranma ducked to avoid the shears, and stood up again, facing the principal, who vomited again.

"Dat's right, keiki…here come detention for all you-"

He was silenced when a bat cracked across his skull, sending him to the ground with a _thump_. He fell away, revealing Jay, holding the aluminum bat. He raised the bat into the air.

"Son of Jor-El: KNEEL BEFORE ZOD! Snootchie Bootchies! Heheheheheh!"

Ranma was shocked to see the stoner in front of him. "You!"

"Yeah, it's me!" Jay said, swinging the bat over his shoulder. "Whadd'you want? Still pissed about that bathroom bit? Give it a fucking rest already!"

Ranma was about to charge the two stoners when Happosai gained his attention yet again.

"My, my…it looks like two others are foolish enough to challenge me. Very well, punks!"

Happosai returned to his battle aura-state, and advanced on Jay and Silent Bob. The two loiterers, however, were prepared.

Jay turned to his hetero lifemate. "Let's do it, Lunchbox!" Bob nodded, and took out what looked like a bong. Within seconds, they were shrouded in white smoke that made the whole place wreak of Albatross.

Ranma and the others looked on in utter shock. "I don't believe this…could these two morons know martial arts or something?"

"Nah. They don't know shit, other than what's in those comics of theirs."

Ranma nearly jumped in shock, and turned around a young man he didn't know. He was another foreigner.

"Who are you?"

Brodie, taking his focus away from the fight for a moment, turned to face Ranma. "Brodie Bruce. I'm just watching the rather interesting affair involving two of my friends from back home."

"You know those guys?"

"Like the back of my ass."

Ranma turned away, a slightly uncomfortable look on his face. _Okay…_

By this time, the smoke had cleared, and the two were dressed in their superhero attires, taking the forms of Bluntman and Chronic.

"Snoogans" Jay said. "Okay, old motherfucker, let's dance!"

Happosai shrunk back to his normal size. "Well, well, well! This might be fun!" He moved a bit closer.

"You two punks really think you have a chance against me? Even with my asoko-cracker?"

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"This!" The lecher zoomed forward, connecting his skull with Jay's crotch. Jay fell to his knees, clutching his nuts as Silent Bob looked on in shock.

"_Avenge me! Avenge me…_" Jay said through gritted teeth. With that, he slumped to the ground. It was just Bob and the monster.

By this time, an enormous crowd had formed outside the Cat Café to watch the ordeal. Most of them had wandered from the Blunt-and-Chron fest after Brodie had left the place. The old hack who owned the restaurant didn't mind; any excuse for more business was a good one.

Bob was at a loss for actions at the moment. Without his Blunt Bong-Saber™, there wasn't much he could do.

"Hey, Bluntman!"

He turned to see Brodie toss him the weapon in question. Bob caught it, and activated it, revealing the bright, dope-green blade of the Bong-Saber.

"You're making a mistake, punk" Happosai said as he grew with his aura. The old man pounced after the stoner, but not fast enough: Bob had used his grappling hook to pull himself over the aura-figure, and had sliced through it with his Bong-Saber. The old freak's aura was down for the moment.

"Why you…"

"Hey, old nut-cracker."

Happosai turned to see Jay, brandishing his double-bladed Syringe-Saber™. "No one knocks me in the nuts. That's why they call me Darth Balls! BOOONNNG!"

They both attacked the old freak, who continued to grow in size and fight back. Still, no matter how much they fought, they still couldn't overpower the man with a lot of battle aura. Within minutes, Jay was practically down for the count, and Bob was struggling to dodge the attacks.

"HA HA HA! You morons better give up! You've got nothing left!"

Silent Bob could only think of one thing to do. _Use the force, Bob_, his mind told him. Placing his extended fingers on the sides of his head, he closed his eyes, and tried desperately to concentrate. What was the way to beat the old freak?

The crowd watched as the aura-driven Happosai stared down the last stoner standing. Ranma was so fixated on the outcome that it never occurred to him to join in.

All of a sudden, it came to him! All he saw was the image of a lone panty in his mind. As much as this confused Bob, he eventually got it, and focused on a girl in the crowd. He pointed his hands, and concentrated.

The girl didn't know what hit her. Her bra and panty suddenly flew off her chest and out from under her legs, and flew towards Silent Bob. Happosai noticed, suddenly losing all of his battle aura, which was replaced by lust aura.

"Ooh! Give me my silky darlings!" Reverting to his normal size, he leapt for the garments in Bob's hands.

That was all Bob needed. He raised his deactivated Bong-Saber, which emitted the white smoke of Anime Albatross, then tossed the garments at the old man. The old lecher floated in the air for a moment in pure bliss, before Bob sent him flying with the Bong-Saber. The fight was over.

The crowd cheered as Jay struggled to get up. "Shit, you tubby bitch! How the hell did you do that?"

Bob smiled as he looked out over the crowd. "A Dork Knight may not know how to fight," he said, "but he knows his enemies."

"Fuckin' A."

The crowd closed in on the two stoners, with Brodie in the lead.

"Well, gentlemen, you seem to have made a big name for yourselves around here. Now, if only you could pull off some shit like this at home-"

"That was pretty cool, man."

Jay and Bob turned to see Ranma walking up to them. "I didn't know you guys could do that. Sorry about that trouble earlier…"

"Yeah, whatever. And screw this old comic persona, we got a better line of income coming to us. Behold, the glory of Anime Albatross!" He held up the bong, to which the crowd cheered.

Suddenly, Ranma was splashed by water coming from nowhere, and immediately groped by the old lecher, who had made another one of his big turnarounds. Ranma sent him into the stratosphere with a kick.

"Stupid old freak! Why can't he just…"

Ranma stopped cold. So did everyone else in the crowd as they turned to Jay, his hand pressed up against Ranma-chan's firm buttocks, a slight grin on his face.

Ranma fumed even more than with the old fart, and responded in kind, sending the two stoners into the east sky, back towards New Jersey.

* * *

Jay and Bob awoke in the same place they had gone to sleep n a day before. When they noticed they were no longer "animated", they decided the whole adventure was just an effect of the drug. What they failed to notice, however, were the two stoner-shaped holes in the ceiling of the warehouse. 

As for business, it went great. They produced a copious amount of "Anime Albatross", and sold it at a reasonable price for the drug market. They were raking in dirty cash in no time, and, acting on an earlier suggestion from Brodie, started their own convenience store to hang out in front of. Life was good.

Back in Nerima, several strange people were popping up. And they all acted very weird, as though on drugs…

* * *

Finally! Sorry again for the slight delay. I had a small writer's block. I want to thank Aaron the 2nd Trickster Priest for adding me to his favorites list. It's my first of any of those. Thank you all for your reviews, and keep reading! 


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